I've been in hospital

For The past week I've been in hospital with the most horrendous pain in my upper stomach. I went in to a +e on Tuesday I had the most vile, hideous pain. The hospital was so busy they had to give me Oramorph in the corridor. It took 45 mins for it to work and it tastes vile.

My inflammation markets were so high doctors knew something was going on but not nesscarily what was going on. Of course I had to declare my bipolar. Which led one ignorant prescriber to issue me with a sedative throughout the day. Can't have the bipolar going manic now can we?

I assured the nurses who looked concerned every time I refused it that bipolar doesn't work like this. I'm gutted that even in my middle age doctors think it ok to sedate mental health patients all day. 

light

If you feel like you cannot move on from whatever you are going through at the moment, remember this: six months ago, or twelve months ago, or two years ago, you thought the same. 

You were in a position that threatened all that was hopeful within you; you did not think you would survive. But six months ago, or twelve months ago, or two years ago - you did. You did. You woke up in the morning. You pushed through the mess, you dug yourself out of the hurt. You held on to whatever light you found within your days, you pressed it into yourself whenever you could, reminding yourself that goodness still existed, that the softness was still there. 

Six months ago, or twelve months ago, or two years ago, you fought your way out of the dark. You fought to be here. You have the strength to save yourself. You always have. 

Please, don't ever forget that.

Rebranded my website

 I've spent the last few days eagerly beavering away at rebranding my website. I've come up with a new name and a new logo and design. I've spent a long while adding to and taking out the odd bits of fluff and made the site more compact and easier to navigate. I've also changed the way I deliver the courses. Before I was doing video files but now I have switched to audio files in line with what my competitors are doing that works well for them.

I've decided to do audio files because it is also easier to upload and control once the file has left my PC. I will be using Jumpshare which makes it easier for customers to use and they do not even need a account to open and play the file and the file can self destruct within a specific timeframe if I want to. Also it prevents the file from being shared by anyone only the person who is paying for the file so I am very happy to use them.

I've still got this wretched cold one of our friends has had to go into hospital for it. It really is a beggar to get rid of. I hope you are all wrapping up warm and taking your supplements.

New details of the my new site are coming up, just putting the trimmings on it.

Take The Pill

 So after nearly a two week wait I finally have in my hand some Lurasidone (Latuda) . I took it with my dinner as you have to take it with an evening meal of 330 calories. It didn't make me feel sleepy in fact I noticed nothing. Because I have stopped my Quetiapine though, I am not sleeping at all. I got around 4 hrs last night and woke up feeling alert and ready to start the day. I have been on Quetiapine for around 10 years so you can imagine this was an abnormal start to the day for me. Its not nearly 2pm and I still dont feel tired. Usually I am tired when I get up and tired throughout the day. I'm starting to think that was the Quetiapine all along and nor just me or something like a Vit D deficiency. 

The Latuda takes around 6 weeks for it to fully kick in so maybe my sleep pattern will get back on track then. Although if anything like last night was to go by I dont think I am going to be spending my days sleeping throughout the day in spits and spats. It just goes to show how sedating psychiatric medication is. I am on the lookout for anxiety , I dont want that to return, or I will have to go back on the Quetiapine. Im keen not to go back, as I feel I can be so much more productive without Quetiapine, besides it not only sedates it makes you put on weight. This is something I have already researched with Latuda, it fairs average for weight gain and is generally well tolerated. 

At least Latuda didnt knock me out straight away like Asenepine. That was a disaster.

So I am going to carefully monitor how I feel and If my sleep pattern finds a natural rhythm and I can sleep normally then I will be much happier. 

Latuda pill in hand.

Failed Housing Offer

 Two days ago I received an email and phone call by a housing association asking not whether I wanted to accept an offer or not, but when could I send them over every piece of ID I owned. Naturally I thought this was a scam and so blocked the emails and number. This morning however I got a letter saying it was indeed a natural offer of a 2 bed flat in a new build estate. I looked up the housing association and my joy was short lived.

Everyone on Trustpilot left a negative review, some people without electricity, horrendous ASB, doors not fixed properly, 9 months to have a returned phone call, paper thin walls, mould and rust in a new build. We contacted the housing association and true to form they said they would call us back. This was hours ago and they still haven't returned the call. So its likely that we will turn this offer down.

Its my fault I should have researched the housing association properly before I put in a bid on the property. From now on this is what I will be doing. I still have 2 lifelines left to accept a property and at least I know my bids are getting through. Funny thing is I know I was about 8th or 9th on that flat so all those people before me for whatever reason also turned the flat down.

I still unwell, me and Barry reckon we have covid again although we don't have any more tests in the house. Its exactly the same symptoms as before. This will be the 4th time I have caught covid. Not sure whether my brother is coming down at the weekend, we currently have a major storm on the way and weather and traffic is meant to be chaos. To keep my occupied whilst I'm ill I'm reading Magical Britain 650 Enchanted and Mythical sites and Britain's Pilgrim Places. I highly recommend if you are into 'thin' places, spirituality of places and places of interest.

A Psychiatric Change

 I have been waiting since the 19th November but my GP has said that I should have Latuda by the end of the week. I am going to start next week because my brother may be coming down to see me this weekend, and I don't want to be dealing with any side effects whilst he is with me.

Its taken a long time for me to get some new medication, I see my PDOC every 3 months so I had to wait that time before I could be seen and I have been unwell most of this year. In and out of mania and depression, I'm honestly not sure which is worse. I guess the mania is worse as it could get you into a fight. Depression just eats your soul away. The Lithium isn't working as well as it once did for the mania which terrifies me as once when I was in a psychiatric hospital a manic patient told me she has been on Lithium for 20 years and it just stopped working for her. I guess no drug is perfect forever.

I just wish I had some patience although don't let God know that. Last time I prayed for patience I ended up stuck on a bad housing situation for 4 years.

Heck i learnt a lot but its not something I want to repeat.

Remembering Becky. Tree Of Light

 Every year I purchase a light that goes onto a tree and then during December there is a big light switch on in various locations throughout Southampton. Tonight I went to see a local tree have its lights switched on. I do this to remember my daughter who sadly died during the first trimester of pregnancy.

She is still part of this family and Paul knows that he has a big sister in heaven. Each year we remember her with the tree of life switch on. Anyone can purchase a light, all proceeds go towards the local charity communicare.

We still have a cold so we made the trip a short one. Here are some pictures of the lit up tree and us just before we came home. Hope you are all managing to dodge this flu/cold that is going around and I need to be better for Tuesday this week onwards as I have things to do including and hoping very much for this my brother might be coming down with the kids soon.