Essentially Samantha

For The past week I've been in hospital with the most horrendous pain in my upper stomach. I went in to a +e on Tuesday I had the most vile, hideous pain. The hospital was so busy they had to give me Oramorph in the corridor. It took 45 mins for it to work and it tastes vile. My inflammation markers were so high doctors knew something was going on but not nesscarily what was going on. Of course I had to declare my bipolar. Which led one ignorant prescriber to issue me with a sedative throughout the day. Can't have the bipolar going manic now can we? I assured the nurses who looked concerned every time I refused it that bipolar doesn't work like this. I'm gutted that even in my middle age doctors think it ok to sedate mental health patients all day. 

If you feel like you cannot move on from whatever you are going through at the moment, remember this: six months ago, or twelve months ago, or two years ago, you thought the same.  You were in a position that threatened all that was hopeful within you; you did not think you would survive. But six months ago, or twelve months ago, or two years ago - you did. You did. You woke up in the morning. You pushed through the mess, you dug yourself out of the hurt. You held on to whatever light you found within your days, you pressed it into yourself whenever you could, reminding yourself that goodness still existed, that the softness was still there.  Six months ago, or twelve months ago, or two years ago, you fought your way out of the dark. You fought to be here. You have the strength to save yourself. You always have.  Please, don't ever forget that.

 I've spent the last few days eagerly beavering away at rebranding my website. I've come up with a new name and a new logo and design. I've spent a long while adding to and taking out the odd bits of fluff and made the site more compact and easier to navigate. I've also changed the way I deliver the courses. Before I was doing video files but now I have switched to audio files in line with what my competitors are doing that works well for them. I've decided to do audio files because it is also easier to upload and control once the file has left my PC. I will be using Jumpshare which makes it easier for customers to use and they do not even need a account to open and play the file and the file can self destruct within a specific timeframe if I want to. Also it prevents the file from being shared by anyone only the person who is paying for the file so I am very happy to use them. I've still got this wretched cold one of our friends has had to go into hospital for ...

 So after nearly a two week wait I finally have in my hand some Lurasidone (Latuda) . I took it with my dinner as you have to take it with an evening meal of 330 calories. It didn't make me feel sleepy in fact I noticed nothing. Because I have stopped my Quetiapine though, I am not sleeping at all. I got around 4 hrs last night and woke up feeling alert and ready to start the day. I have been on Quetiapine for around 10 years so you can imagine this was an abnormal start to the day for me. Its not nearly 2pm and I still dont feel tired. Usually I am tired when I get up and tired throughout the day. I'm starting to think that was the Quetiapine all along and nor just me or something like a Vit D deficiency.  The Latuda takes around 6 weeks for it to fully kick in so maybe my sleep pattern will get back on track then. Although if anything like last night was to go by I dont think I am going to be spending my days sleeping throughout the day in spits and spats. It just goes to sh...

 Two days ago I received an email and phone call by a housing association asking not whether I wanted to accept an offer or not, but when could I send them over every piece of ID I owned. Naturally I thought this was a scam and so blocked the emails and number. This morning however I got a letter saying it was indeed a natural offer of a 2 bed flat in a new build estate. I looked up the housing association and my joy was short lived. Everyone on Trustpilot left a negative review, some people without electricity, horrendous ASB, doors not fixed properly, 9 months to have a returned phone call, paper thin walls, mould and rust in a new build. We contacted the housing association and true to form they said they would call us back. This was hours ago and they still haven't returned the call. So its likely that we will turn this offer down. Its my fault I should have researched the housing association properly before I put in a bid on the property. From now on this is what I will be doi...

 I have been waiting since the 19th November but my GP has said that I should have Latuda by the end of the week. I am going to start next week because my brother may be coming down to see me this weekend, and I don't want to be dealing with any side effects whilst he is with me. Its taken a long time for me to get some new medication, I see my PDOC every 3 months so I had to wait that time before I could be seen and I have been unwell most of this year. In and out of mania and depression, I'm honestly not sure which is worse. I guess the mania is worse as it could get you into a fight. Depression just eats your soul away. The Lithium isn't working as well as it once did for the mania which terrifies me as once when I was in a psychiatric hospital a manic patient told me she has been on Lithium for 20 years and it just stopped working for her. I guess no drug is perfect forever. I just wish I had some patience although don't let God know that. Last time I prayed for pat...

 Every year I purchase a light that goes onto a tree and then during December there is a big light switch on in various locations throughout Southampton. Tonight I went to see a local tree have its lights switched on. I do this to remember my daughter who sadly died during the first trimester of pregnancy. She is still part of this family and Paul knows that he has a big sister in heaven. Each year we remember her with the tree of life switch on. Anyone can purchase a light, all proceeds go towards the local charity communicare. We still have a cold so we made the trip a short one. Here are some pictures of the lit up tree and us just before we came home. Hope you are all managing to dodge this flu/cold that is going around and I need to be better for Tuesday this week onwards as I have things to do including and hoping very much for this my brother might be coming down with the kids soon.

 Yes, yes it is. I went out to the shops today. Everywhere I looked from what to wear to a thousand different ways to stuff a turkey, Christmas is commercialised. The meaning of the celebration which is Christs birth has long been forgotten in a xmas bonanza of egg nog lattes and pink xmas tree's.  There are shops specialising in what to wear for xmas, that all important big event, the main attraction being a table stuffed full of treats. But why are you even doing this? Do you even know where the turkey came from? Do you know why we have presents? Do you even know that church is open for a service on xmas day? Do you even know why we celebrate December 25th? or has it all been lost in German markets and crunchy sausages and flat warm beer?  I looked through my copy of Good Housekeeping today and out of around 100 pages telling me what to eat, wear, smell like on the 'big day' I found one article by Rev Kate Botley. She asked the same questions such as is xmas commerciali...

  I'm Teetotal but if you ever catch me drinking the mulled wine, don't let me convince you I can do a backflip. NO. I. CANT. Black Friday deal : Saving money on Chiropractic.

  I know there is a lot of talk about pensioners going cold this winter and I feel for them, I really do. But what about people like me who are also on benefits and cant afford to heat my home? I have a heater in each room and I heat my rooms as I go in it. 3 people in my house dependant on one heater, per room. We too have to decide between heating and eating. Our house has a damp and mould problem also, so private sector doesn't have adequate housing either for the winter. Its not just me its the silent majority. Its not just pensioners that are cold. Last year we all got pneumonia , this year we have already had a bad cold and the temperatures are not even that low yet. I've spoken to loads of people in my situation in private rent and on benefits and they cant afford to heat their homes either. Often damp and mouldy properties and the families are paying in excess of £1,500 a month for rent. Its not just pensioners that are cold and hungry. There needs to be a real campaign...

  Rishi Sunak and his wife avoiding public scrutiny by changing their company to 'unlimited'... just as David Cameron did ... Seems to be a pattern with Tory Prime Ministers eh? I wonder why?

 The cold we all have is absolutely dire. It consists of a head cold that leaves you feeling every tooth in your head throb. Sudafed is king here. Today I had my depot so I had to go to a medical centre to have it. I cannot miss this injection it keeps the psychosis at bay. It works really well for me despite the side effects. I still have not heard about Latuda from the doctors and its been over a week now. We are all flued up so we have decided to cancel the wreath making workshop I was looking forward too. I'm giving away my two tickets to my church family community for 2 people to get in for free. I wouldn't want the tickets to go to waste. There is no way me, Paul and Barry are up to foraging for berries and pine cones for making a wreath. Besides I have no idea where my secateurs are. I stopped off for a spiced chai at the coffee shop on the way back from my depot. I needed a hot drink to carry me home. Strange how I only felt really unwell when I actually got back home. ...

 We all have a cold! Tissues and heaters are the order of the day. We have a wreath making workshop to go to on Friday which I dont think we will attend. I've got to get my depot injection on Wednesday and the house valuation is also on Friday. I'm sure if we feel no better tomorrow we will have to cancel too. My family are supposed to be coming down on Saturday so I have to be better for them. Honestly each year we catch the flue because of how cold it is in this house. We have heaters on but it doesn't keep the cold at bay. Last year we all had a chest infection that turned into pneumonia.  Perhaps moving out is a blessing rather than a hurt after all, besides if like me its a choice between heating and eating maybe moving to a property with a higher EPC rating is just as well. Meanwhile I have my beef with Deliveroo. Spent £30 on cold and flu supplements only for the driver to give me someone else's bag. I opened it up to find senna and califig that I spend all that ...

 Apologies for no blog entry over the weekend. As the title says it was my wedding anniversary and also Christ The King. I didnt actually make it to church because my son's sleep pattern has gone out. He is autistic amongst other disabilities and he has Melatonin to help him sleep but every now and then he does what we call a sleep reset. This is where he stays up for as long as possible and then goes to sleep. It takes a few days for his sleep rhythm to right itself but compared to him going to bed at 4am and sleeping until 1pm every day the sleep re set works as eventually he will go bed at midnight and wake up at around 8am. I hate these sleep resets as it means I cant leave the house as Paul is also type 1 diabetic and not quite fully independent yet with this. So therefore I couldn't go to church and when you think about the fact that even when I got married I still went to Christ The King the next day. You can gather how much CTK means to me. I have not had Holy Communion...

 Why on earth does everyone describe their goods as bloody 'buttery soft'? New plants? buttery soft leaves, New knickers? buttery soft gusset. New lampshade? buttery soft touch? Marks n spencer sandwich...buttery soft... butter.  Not everything is BUTTERY SOFT!  Equally another irk of mine is Putin.  Some of the media are showing they are afraid of nuclear war. They believe that Putin is insane enough to launch nuclear weapons. They also believe that such an insane man can be negotiated with. What do you believe?

About 14 years ago I was caught up with the 'Truth' movement. A global idea that there are a ruling class of elites that govern the world for there wicked agenda. There was a new world order, a one world government, one world currency, HAARP, Chemtrails the list goes on. 911 was an inside job and we are all being secretly controlled by the Illuminati. I was so into all of this. On my facebook were hundreds of other truthers around the world and together it was our job to 'wake' the world up to these conspiracies.  During this time I discovered the truth about Christ, and came to faith. This is the only good thing that came from this time. I started to question everything. The bible says to test everything hold fast to that which is good. So as I began questioning living off grid and chemtrails I met with annoyance from my truther family. Some started calling me names and coldly calling me out as a sheep. I still questioned everything until I met with sane people who tol...

Had a peaceful day, managed to call the DWP and Universal Credit. Both confirmed the amount we owe, and that they wouldn't take it back in one lump sum. They are going to take it back in small increments over the next year or so. So that's a worry out of my mind. I noticed Right Move estate agents sent me a list of 28 new properties to look through. Barry has a property viewing Friday morning. I am hoping we will go for it as you know I just want to move and be done with. Its not far from where we currently live but a new area all the same.  Paul is doing really well with his home education. Today I discussed college with him and a college course not far from us that is gaming development. I also told him he could go straight into work and the average salary for a game developer is around £30 an hour. He was amazed. I also told him he could easily go into lighting and audio as a side hustle if he came to terms with different software and technology. For now we are doing a diplo...

 Well I was doing quite well until the post came. Apparently we have been overpaid by the DWP and owe around £500. No explanation, no proof of breakdown, nothing. They say it so it must be right. On top of that they say that the figure we are looking at might change and they will confirm this in writing.They say the DWP will write to us and you can bet your backside they will take it in one lump sum just before Xmas.  And its not just us, a few of our friends have had this letter also. We are going to call the DWP back tomorrow to confirm this is accurate and not some scam. They left no breakdown, dates etc of when this overpayment happened. How do we even know if it is correct? Another headache for us to sort out. I did however manage to speak to my brother. This is a rarity. He is always busy with his three gorgeous children, and I understand this so dont push the matter. One of his kids, my nephew is turning out to be a superstar. I cant go into details here on this blog bu...

As you all know from my post about a little round plaster, I go to see a psychiatrist every 3 months. This week I complained of symptoms characteristic of mania. All the tell tale signs were there. I answered a lot of questions, some of them embarrassing before my Psychiatrist agreed to try me on another antipsychotic. Its also a mood stabiliser, and it means I can swap my Quetiapine which I don't like, for this new antipsychotic. I have to take it with my evening meal, so around 300 calories.  My psychiatrist has to write to my GP to explain the rationale behind the new medication as I am already on a lot of medication. We can only hope they agree to it and within a few weeks I can start the new medication. I forget its name, but when my Psychiatrist writes to me as well as the GP I will update this blog post. *Its Latuda. It seems the only solution to mania is sedation, I explained this to my PDOC in full and why I value my life too much to be sleeping it away. He agreed with me ...

  This was my view today. Its my local but very good Chiropractors. I have Costochondritis. Its an inflammatory condition, whereby the ribs cartlidge becomes inflamed. Its very painful and take a long while to heal. I also have disks that are bulging and mild scoliosis. My shoulder blade was hurting me the most, today Matthew cracked my back into place. It was a tender sessions with the chiropractic bench doing most of the work. Its a shame that Matthew is leaving as he is one of the good ones that takes gentle time with me. I recently had a MRI scan to confirm my diagnosis, the physiotherapist seems to think its all in my head but Matthew said that there has been quite a few occasions where when physio say one thing chiropractic say another. For instance the physio that saw me did not spot that I had one leg shorter than the other! Its not unusual for a Chiropractor to look at a scan and find things that a physio misses completely.  Matthew gave me a good treatment and some e...

  Just a reminder real crystals are in the earth to serve all of us. I am a qualified crystal healer, but I dont heal with crystals any more. I am however still passionate about anti rock mining and pillaging the earth for crystals. Equally I am concerned about the amount of new age fairs selling fake crystals to unsuspecting and naively trusting joe public. Since gemstone therapy is rising again as people forget they are right under our feet and help us daily , I am spotting more fake crystals on the market. Gemstone dealers often use weird names to conceal the identity of their crystals. They also do it to make it look more genuine and natural. For instance, if you come across terms like melon moonstone or aqua aura quartz, it is fake. Such fake crystals are usually made from glass and dyed with artificial colours or heated to change the colours. A super bright crystal with beautiful colour pop is a sure-shot sign of its fakeness. In other words, if the crystal looks unnaturally...

  Barry ordering me a spiced chai. 10 mins from where I live is a busy coffee shop. I have met friends, ex friends, new friends and had business meetings in there. That coffee shop has seen me in all my different moods and phases. It was also a place of comfort for my autistic son when he was a toddler. They have old rustic sofas in there that he could curl up on and let a meltdown pass, or he could sit and do some colouring in while munching on a gingerbread man. Yes I said gingerbread man, not person because I am old school and it is what it is. That coffee shop has seen me help those in tears and those whose laughter is infectious. I have poured over documents in that place and also met my old care co ordinator for a session on my mental health.  The coffee was good, I dont drink coffee any more, but they do an excellent spiced chai and there cakes are always somewhat stale. There hot food is always just warm, so I dont eat there any more. But there is just something about ...

    Went to town today with Barry. We bought a Christmas tree before they put the prices up to silly amounts. Only to find that when we got in and were putting it away, we had an sealed box with a Christmas tree in. Clearly I had bought one last year in preparation for this year. Barry was so impressed with me. I wanted to say though that it is November, we have only just got out of Halloween, and the shops have gone Christmas bonkers already. Down the city centre I am told the Christmas market is out already. Which is a nightmare to navigate as people walk around hypnotised by all the flashing lights and hot Baileys chocolate. Christmas is 6 weeks away, some people are utter sheeple when it comes to Christmas. Spending money on things no one needs, I mean really do you want that Santa snow globe? Im glad I have plans for Christmas already, things booked in advance. The whole point of Christmas is that you slow down not speed up. And has everyone actually forgotten why we have...

This year we are celebrating Christmas at Mottisfont. Mottisfont is a National Trust Heritage site and as a family we have never been. We are National Trust Members so we will get in for free. Parking is also free, as we do not fancy a walk through fields with livestock in them. Mottisfont is Romsey way, you can get there by train but by far the best way to get there is by bike. There are cycle lanes that involve some serious scenery. This year Mottisfont are featuring the Nutcracker. They will be closed until the 23rd November where they will open the doors to the public, with a fully decorated lights extravaganza and decorations with the theme in mind. It is perfect for little ones. I have bought Paul some wellies as its Autumn and muddy, we are going to be walking along the gardens.  There is also a café and gift shop available on site. Membership is around £13 a month for my family, and I get a gift card to spend at Mottisfont. Membership gets you into many National Trust sites...

 So Barry got a phone call from the Landlady this morning. Good news, bad news. The Good news is she doesnt want us out in February, the bad news is she wants to now sell the property with us sitting in it. This could work out better for us because if the house takes a long time to sell, we get to stay here even longer than next August. The new landlord could take over and want to keep us on as renters and this would mean we could stay here for years if need be. The bad news is the house could sell really quickly, and the new landlord wants us out. Either way we are not going to be leaving in February as first thought and we can stay at the very least until the house sells. This could take between 3 - 6 months. Especially when all the legal paperwork is drawn up. If the new landlord took us on as tenants we could stay for a very long time, so I suppose this way gives us the  best chance of actually staying here at all. Besides this house is old, on a busy road, and it has damp...

  You are chosen - 1 Thess 1:4. You are called of God - 2 Tim 1:9. You are being changed into His image - 2 Cor 3:18 . You are a new creation - 2 Cor 5:7. You are the temple of the Holy Spirit - 1 Cor 6:19 . You are forgiven of all your sins - Eph 1:7. You are redeemed from the curse of the law - Gal 3:14 . You are blessed - Gal 3:9. You are the head and not the tail - Deut 28:13 . You are above and not beneath - Deu 28:13 . You are victorious - Rev 12:11 . You are set free - John 8:31 . You are strong in the Lord - Eph 6:10 . You are healed by His wounds - 1 Peter 2:24 . You are free from condemnation - Rom 8:1. You are reconciled to God - 2 Cor 5:18 . You are joint heirs with Christ - Rom 8:17 . You are more than a conquerer - Rom 8:37 . You are accepted in Him - Eph 1:6. You are complete in Him - Eph 2:5. You are dead to sin - Rom 6:2. You are alive with Christ - Eph 2:5. You have the mind of Christ - Phil 2:5. You can do all things in Christ Jesus - Phil 4:13...

 I see that a little round plaster sums up my mental illness picture. Its what they stick on my bum every other Wednesday at the top of my bottom to keep the antipsychotic from running out of my skin. You see I am battling 3 mental illnesses. Have been all my life although I only found out about them just after i gave birth when I had my first ever proper manic episode. Before I gave birth I used to think I had severe PMT. However looking back now I see that it was the Bipolar all along. I have Bipolar 1, PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder. I am a DBT graduate and have tried most medications apart from having surgery to re set my Vagus nerve, you name the medication and I have had it. The side effects keep me on a strict regime of Lithium and Quetiapine. It holds the mania back incredibly so I can function like a normal human being. To know me you would never know there was anything wrong except sometimes I am not around for long periods. I tend to stop indoors when I am unwe...